thrice all american: More on Tacoma from The Onion

· Posted Thursday August 31, 2006 by jamie

Last week the Onion put out an article that seemed to capture the current gentrification ethos of Tacoma. So I figured I’d see what they had to say about our town more specifically. One Google search later, here’s a few of the highlights…

Apparently Jesus hired a local man as Associate Christ back in 1998:

Overwhelmed by a constant deluge of prayers and appeals for salvation, Jesus Christ announced Monday the hiring of Tacoma, WA, customer-service supervisor Dean Smoler as Associate Christ… With the hiring, effective June 1, Christians seeking spiritual aid or guidance will be able to pray to either Jesus or Dean… Jesus said He chose Smoler for the Assistant Christ position because of his considerable experience in dealing with the public. In addition to his six-year stint as customer-service supervisor with the Tacoma-based Consolidated Coolers, the nation’s third-largest manufacturer of coolers and thermoses, Smoler worked for nine years as a human-resources manager with Sears.

I guess Christ couldn’t handle the workload after his return to the NBA (an Onion classic!).

In 1999, the “Giant Mouse of Tacoma” (???) was revealed to be a kangaroo:

An article in the latest issue of the journal Nature revealed that the fabled “Giant Mouse Of Tacoma” is actually a baby kangaroo.

I honestly don’t even know what to say… Moving along.

Then in 2000, a local 5-year-old unearthed brontosaurus fossils right in his backyard:

TACOMA, WA–Amateur archaeologist Joshua Bushnell, 5, announced Monday that he is certain that the remains of a dinosaur are buried in the Bushnell family backyard.

Cute.

Finally, we made it into the comments for a “What do you think?” feature about the new healthy menu options that McDonald’s started offering in 2004:

“Those McDonald’s anti-obesity campaign materials are soon to be the prized possessions of every hipster from here to Tacoma.” – Martin Bryant, Systems Analyst

These must be the same hipsters now bemoaning the slowness of our gentrification…

Anyway, good to know we’re well represented. Perhaps we need our own local satirical news source…maybe I’ll start brewing up an occasional feature…

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